for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
