My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
