dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
