You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
