So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
i think i just lost a toe
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
