found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
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