Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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