Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
