Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
you inspire me to be a worse person
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
