Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
