I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Drunk is not a location!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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