I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
