if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
