walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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