Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
