My girlfriend figured out who you are.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
