Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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