Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
