dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Randomize
