Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
