totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
