brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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