I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
this hospital has no fireball
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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