We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I supernannyed him into submission
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
