the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
