Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
