I cannot find my penis.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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