I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
