meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
