I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
