I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
