I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
