I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
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