Have you finally orgasmed yet?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
