finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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