Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
