I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
