I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
