Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
