i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
