A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
