She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
