Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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