Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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