peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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