Don't make out with my wife yet
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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