i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
