all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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