I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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