Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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